The thing with hope

They say hope is good, that hope gives you the fuel to continue on in the face of adversity. I'm not convinced any more. If I hadn't been hoping that a second doctor could revive my hard drive, I wouldn't feel the crushing pain I am feeling right now. In fact, I had so much hope, I had already a third course of action planned: if 2nd computer doctor can't do anything, there is always the crooky costly data recover specialist route. I have just received the final diagnosis, and it really *is* the end:


"He found out the problem was something called 'spindle wear' which is when the needle inside is damaged so it can't read the data at all. He said it's from either damage to the HD or just because the HD wasn't that good quality maybe because of this he can't extract any data off it at all.... and even if you tried to send it off to a company they won't be able to either. I'm really sorry Liloo, I know it meant a lot but it really *is* the worst thing that could happen to it :(("


There is really nothing that can be done now and I really have lost everything. I can now fully concentrate on grieving my loss and moving on. But for now I am crushed and memories of what was stored on this hard drive is making me feel sick and cry uncontrollably. There are some makeup looks on there which I am never going to recreate, it's too painful. For that, I guess it's better if I try to believe that it never existed.


The thing with me is that even though my frequency of posts was not necessarily there to show it, I had been building slowly but surely a huge bank of blog posts and not a week end or evening passed which wasn't dedicated to blogging in some sort: whether it'd be just plain writing, or taking photos, editing them, practising makeup looks etc. While I had been quite an active tweeter, there was rarely a moment of my time at home which wasn’t spent on working on something for the blog.


Recently, the very few small blog posts which you've seen on my blog were some survivors from the memory card of my camera, and hope gave me the courage to work on there while my hard drive recovers. Now I am faced with recreating stuff which I have lost and I simply don't have the courage to face the thought. It's simply devastating and once again I am broken.


While this netbook I am using at the moment gives me internet access and a wider-than-a-phone keyboard, it is no means suitable to function as a blogger. The very few posts you saw were written and edited on a normal computer, which necessitated me staying behind at uni to work on them. You'll appreciate that after a full day at work, the last thing I want to do, is to stay behind at uni, while I am dying to go back home, in the comfort of my flat.


Also, while I could technically comment on blogposts read on this netbook, I can't even see the colours properly (the display is of very poor quality - even my phone offers a better display) therefore not being able to appreciate fully the blog updates of my dear 350 blog subscriptions. It might sound pathetic and extreme, but I really feel a bit disabled without my computer.


While technically I could just buy another new drive (£50?) and have installed it in this machine, and be ‘up and running’ I was strongly discouraged to do so, as it turns out, as three of my computer friends have observed, that it's the machine itself and its cheap components which could have contributed to its failure.


I could kick myself for many things, many things I should have done to prevent from recent events to have happened, but now what I am kicking myself the most with, is to have hoped that things could get better. Nietzsche was right: "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man".


Allow me some more time to get better and get back on my feet, as I am beyond broken at the moment and really need to recover properly this time.