Thursday, 6 September 2012
Like a giddy kid excited for the visit of Santa on Christmas day, and desperate to go to bed as soon as possible on Christmas Eve, there I was last night, wanting it to be bed time by 7:30pm. Yesterday was the last day of my first month of diet - a whole grueling month of dieting without a scale and let me tell you it is probably the hardest thing I have ever done.
A month ago, on 6th August, I embarked on a very unconventional weight loss diet, a diet where I forbid myself the use of scales for the first month. I really really really wanted to stay away from a scale and not to weigh for the first month. I don't last long on diets, you see and I have the awful habit of weighing myself too often during a diet, sometimes once a day, sometimes many times in a single day. I know I shouldn't but I just cannot help myself. This has has dramatic consequences on me and triggers what I'd like to call the spiral of doom.
The spiral of doom
Discouraged by the low score of my second week of dieting - if I have lasted that long that is - I tend to go on a binge. I enjoy the binge so much that the binge ends up lasting a week. Then I feel guilty, I want to diet again and 'this time for real'. Then there's some meal or some occasion planned for the following week which, then clashes with any diet I could start, so the whole diet thing is further delayed until the 'right time' arrives. Until then, I think that there is no point limiting food intake, that I might just eat what I want and then obviously I put on the mere pounds I had lost during the little time I was on diet. The 'right time' to be on a diet arrives and I start the diet, committed as ever, weigh myself constantly, gives up in my second week, and I am back to square one. A year and a half later, I am 1 stone and a half heavier than my all life weight and I just feel rubbish.
So I decided that enough was enough and it was time to use a drastic method, in a bid to maximize my chances of sticking to my diet.
I am so addicted to food that if there's ready-to-eat food in the house, I will eat it. I can't buy a multi pack of crisps, I can't buy a loaf of bread, I can't keep a box of chocolates because I just cannot stay there in the house, knowing that this delicious food is lying around, waiting to be eaten. This a problem I have and the only way I can control it is not to have ready-to-eat food in the house, at all. If I want a packet of crisps, I ll go to the corner shop, buy one, eat it and it's done. Bread is only bought at Christmas where I'll eat a whole loaf in 2 days. This all sound a bit sad and very drastic but it's the only way that works me. So I decided to be as drastic as I am with my ready to eat food rule in the house and decided to abandon my scale in a place I knew I couldn't reach for a month.
I can't tell you how hard this has been. It feels like I have been dieting in the dark, not knowing if I am on the right track or not. The desire to weigh myself has been so high that, at times I've been craving more stepping on a scale than actual naughty food I couldnt have. It's crazy.
The wait is over. A month has passed now. Last night I was reunited with my scale. I don't know what the score will be. My colleagues who hadn't seen me for a month thought I was slimmer, even the ones who didn't know I was going to embark on a homemade diet bootcamp for a month. But then again, you always tend to feel that people have changed when you haven't seen them a month.
I know I've lost some weight, my diet consultant told me I lost some inches on my thighs and this is the only thing I had to keep me going and motivated. It has encouraged me, but you know, it's not the same as seeing the figure dropping down on your scale. I don't know how much I should expect to have lost in a month where I really really have given my all. I have expectations, I have an expected figure in my head, I am scared. I am scared to be disappointed and I am trying to congratulate myself for having stuck to the diet for 4 long hard weeks.
It is now the morning on 6 September. I am scared to jump on the scale.
I have lost this amount in a month.
So how do I feel about it?
A mix of emotions really. I wanted to have lost 1 kilo more (around 2 pounds more) as I gave it my absolute all for the past month. I had saved all my days of leave to take a month off work to entirely devote it to my diet, and do some sort of diet bootcamp at home. While people relax on their holidays, I spent mine on diet shakes, at home, on my own so I would have really liked to have achieved my target. I wanted to go to the cinema at some point but I couldn't even do that, as the diet I am doing requires the drinking of 2.5 to 3 litres of water a day and that this is not quite compatible with the cinema really. Seeing a figure lower than '60' on the scale would have been so good for my morale and I can't hide it, I am disappointed.
On the other hand, I am super proud of myself to have stuck to a diet for 4 weeks with not having binged. I just wished I just had let myself go so much and put on so much weight. I am on the right track but there is still a long way to go.
I am not sure what I'll do next. Shall I just keep my scale at work again and not weigh myself before a month has elapsed (6 October)? It helped me so far. Although I am disappointed with my score, and that I have no problem picturing a big fat domino's pizza in my mouth right now, I feel like it would be a shame to binge and ruin my diet because I've come a long way and lasted a whole month. Shall I leave my scale at work again?
Could you 'diet in the dark', resist the temptation of weighing yourself and physically get rid of your scale for a month?